Reflections

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." 
Exodus 20:12  NIV

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor you father and mother" --which is the first commandment with a promise -- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.""
Ephesians 6:1-4  NIV

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. " For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the Church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Ephesians 5:28-33  NIV

When do we stop being children?  What is the point in our lives when we stop obeying our parents and make our own decisions for our life?  Is it at the point of marriage?  There is no where is the Bible that says you are no longer a child at 18 or 21.

Some parents don't know when to let go - to let their children lead their own lives and be responsible for their own decisions and actions.  Some children don't know when to quit depending on their parents, after all it is much easier to let someone else take care of you than it is to to take care of yourself.

As children, we rant and rail against parental control, yet when we reach adulthood we find that life is not so easy.  Many would rather let their parents make the decisions.  In the same vein, some parents are afraid of being alone so they make their children dependent on them thereby inhibiting their child's emotional and psychological growth. 

What happens when the parents are gone?  A dependent child, unable to make decisions on their own, will flounder, be confused and may not seem to grieve for their lost parent.  They will search for someone else to be their caretaker, to help them make decisions.  An independent child will feel grief for their lost, but will continue with little interruption in their day to day living. 

Some parents try to control their children so much that when adulthood is reached, the child escapes to get away from their parents.  Some move away, some cut off all contact with their parents.  Others are so afraid of making a mistake they stay under their parent's control where they feel safe. 

A man gets married and establishes a home for he and his wife.  He is intelligent, well adjusted, works hard and provides well for his family.  Over the years drastic changes occur in his parent's lives.  They become confused and start to flounder.  They become emotionally dependent on their son. This emotional dependency rapidly progresses to a desire to be the "child's" parent and exercise parental control once again.  This well established, self sufficient man balks at the interference in his life.  To stop the interference and control the man shuns his parents and severs all ties leaving him feeling bereft and angry and his parents frustrated and angry.

A woman raised in a harsh disciplinary home gets married and moves away.  This woman was well prepared for the world as she had taken care of her parent's household and learned to be independent.  She and her husband establish their own home and began their family.   As the years past, her parent's retire and as time passes they lose their contacts and failed to remain active.  They turned their focus on their daughter's life again trying to exercise parental control.  The unwelcome intrusion into this woman's life causes many rifts and heartaches.  She now limits her contact with her parents. 

A man raised in an unstable household, gets married and moves not far from his parents.  He works hard every day and builds a family.  However, he continues to go to his father and mother for support and help in his decision making.  When his family falls apart he returns to the home of his father. As time passes, he loses both parents and is left alone.  He does not know which direction to go and searches to find help from others.

My earlier post addressed the question of what makes a good parent.  We take what we think is the best part of how we were raised and apply it to the raising of our children.  Our children will hopefully do the same.  As children we turn to our parents for guidance, security, and support. 

Adult children can still find comfort and security in a relationship with their parents, but you must set guidelines for yourself (you cannot control your parents actions) and stick with those guidelines.  It starts with viewing your parents as individuals, not as your parents - if you are close to your parents, then view them as a close friend.  But remember, they are people with their own interests, habits, customs, lifestyle.  You do not always agree with choices your friends make, why would you expect to always agree to the choices your parents make?  Unless you are financially dependent on your parents, do not discuss your financial situation with them - if they probe, tell them it is none of their business.  It may hurt their feelings at first, but it will stop a lot of frustration and anger on your part and most people don't discuss finances with their friends. 

Find a common ground between you and your parents.  Always try to be positive.  If you don't want to be ridiculed, don't ridicule your parents - believe me, parents are fully aware of the mistakes they have made. Don't bring up unpleasant incidences from the past.  I have many bad memories of my childhood, but they are my memories - no one else remembers in the same way or with the same feelings I have.  Don't bring your siblings into the mix.  Your parents relationship with your siblings are their business.  Don't judge - God will take care of that.  Don't allow your parents to pull out the guilt trip bag.  The past is over, it can't be undone.  What you did when you were 16 should have been handled at the time.  Too late now to relive or judge what should or should not have been done.  Gifts are gifts.  I have heard so many times "you forget I gave you" or "after all I have done for you" - it doesn't matter!  If it was not given freely and with a loving heart, it wasn't a gift at all and if it is something that can be returned - do so! Reminders of things given is another venue of manipulation and has no place in a parent child relationship and certainly not in a friendship.

If you have to say you are sorry - do so with meaning - know why you are sorry.  Explain yourself with kindness.  My parents are now old (I hope they don't read this) and old people can be mean, hateful, and spiteful.  It is okay, you don't know what these people we call parents are carrying on their hearts.  It could be regret, loneliness, defeat, loss, or just confusion.  I see so much hate and bitterness in this world.  Be nice! 

Now I am going to repeat myself - children do not come with instructions.  BUT, the Bible is the best instruction book I have found for living life and that includes raising children.  When things get rough there are a multitude of scriptures to ease our hearts and minds. 

Thank you for dropping by!

Happy reading!
Belle